this is me jumping up and down on my better judgement, going "Haha, you're so smushed!" I don't know why. It's the wierdest thing, but for the first time in my life I'm scared to leave - to graduate, to move away, to move on. It's like, I've spent 12 years trying utterly fruitlessly to assimilate to living in this ridiculous city - a place where I've met otracization since day one for being an above average student, and as soon as I quit doing that, met ostracization for being an under acheiver. In this place it's been like no one is ever satisfied with me, least of all myself. That is, until recently. Recently, I've lightened up a little and grown up a little and connected with some people that like me (they like me, they really like me!). So, now, I'm hesitant to leave, as necessary as it is for me to do. Deep down, I really do hate it here, but right now it doesn't feel like it.
A lot of people that go to school with me wouldn't know it, but there once was a time and a place when I was utterly happy. The culture shock between the South Bay and the East Bay boggles the mind. I've spent more time wishing that we'd never moved from the South Bay to here, than doing anyhing else. In the South Bay, everything is so much more diverse, and there are a lot more places to go and the air is so much easier to breathe. There is nothing that i find more healing than taking a walk up Ocean Beach or driving the Great Highway. That whole world suits me better. Here, the air is dry and it makes me choke and it's always either too hot or too humid or both and I'm an hour's drive (on a good day) away from both of my Grandmas and it just makes me sad living here. I've felt like that since I was seven.
So now I think you understand how confusing it is that I don't want to leave here. It's just home now, no matter how much I'd rather be elsewhere.
Well, that was definitly meandering at best, but I felt like getting it out.
+ posted by Stephanie @ 11:11 PM

If I post here again, trust me, it'll be against my better judgement.
+ posted by Stephanie @ 3:13 PM

Although I'm sure most of you are sick to death of heaqring about this, hey, it's my blog - It's not like you have to read it - anyway; where do people get off thinking that it's alright to not apologize when they hurt their friends, hmm? I'm waiting... I guess I better not hold my breath for an answer on that one. Oh well. This one's beating a dead horse, too (so to speak that is. I'd never beat a horse, or anything else for that matter) - what is it about people just getting under your skin (figuritively, of course)? I mean, boys with girlfriends have always been a turn-off for me, and the cowboy was no different; no different, that is, until I talk to him on the phone and he sounds all excited to hear from me and i know how he's smiling. He smiles on the phone and you can hear it, and i do it too. He does to me what I've done to a handful of boys with out batting an eye (come to think of it, that's a really bad cliche since there's a lot of eye-batting involved) and of course I didn't ralize what I was doing until I'd done it. I hate this.
+ posted by Stephanie @ 6:34 PM